Paul Walker- A Star Taken Too Soon

I have been contemplating what to write for a few days now to get it right.  Paul Walker was a star that shined brightly on earth. He had a spirit like no other.  He did great and wonderous charity work around the world.  He did wonders through his acting.  Most people do not know that Paul Walker starred in over 30 movies including Into the Blue, Varsity Blues, Takers, Skulls, Hours, The Lazerous Project, and 7 out of 8 Fast and Furious movies.  He was currently filming Fast & Furious 7.  No one knows where that project is going to go but I am sure it is going to be a tribute to Paul.

Several people have made the statement that they will not go to see Fast & Furious 7.  I say why not? It is Paul's last film and street racing was dear to his heart.  I plan on seeing the movie, I want to remember Paul doing what he loved the most- acting and street racing.

Paul was a star taken from us on earth and now he is a star placed in the heavens.  Let us take a moment to remember Paul and the good things he brought into this world.  Donate to his charity ROWW if you have time.  It was his charity and whenever there was a world disaster he was there donating not just money but his time.  He was there hands on helping to rebuild and help victims of natural disasters.  Paul was truly a gifted and talented man.

Rest in peace, buster.  We love and miss you buddy.

Paul Walker Remembered by Vin Diesel & Others

http://a2mag.blogspot.com/2013/12/paul-walker-remembered-by-vin-diesel.html?m=1#more

35 Hateful And Stupid Rush Limbaugh Quotes That Should Anger Everyone -

He is not just a sexist, but a bigot and racist as well. All the more reason to despise this man!

35 Hateful And Stupid Rush Limbaugh Quotes That Should Anger Everyone -

Daily Kos: Sexist Rush Limbaugh Refers to Single Mothers as "Semen Receptacles"

This man has the audacity to call us single moms sperm receptacles! It is not the fault of the moms if the dads refuse to step up and act like men. Don't have a baby with a woman and then leave her because shit got real. You think its the moms that are getting hurt? Guess again! It is the children that get hurt. Limbaugh needs to put his mouth in check! He is a sexist bitch. I am disgusted and appalled that he would say something like this. What about the single moms out there that are single moms because their husbands or boyfriends were killed at war, or died from car accidents, diseases, or even suicide because they were mentally ill. Someone needs to shut his fat fucking pie hole for him. There is no call for him to say something like this.

Daily Kos: Sexist Rush Limbaugh Refers to Single Mothers as "Semen Receptacles"

Daylight Savings Time

I really hate it!! Every 6 months my body's clock gets screwed up. I've been up since 7:45 am! I'm never up this early unless I gotta be somewhere like the doctor's or Universal Studios!

Boston Red Sox Win the World Series!!

WTFG #BostonRedSox for winning the World Series & bringing it home!!! #BostonProud #BostonStrong baby!!

Shit Carol Says: Kids

People should HAVE to pass an IQ test & mental evaluation before having kids!!

Navigators Banned- Florida Health Deaprtments

http://m.dailykos.com/story/2013/09/12/1238467/-Florida-health-department-chief-bans-navigators-from-community-health-nbsp-centers

Foot Injury Update

So some of readers know that back in July I fell on my left foot, breaking my 5th metatarsal, tearing my peroneus brevis tendon and spraining my ankle. Just last Monday I had an MRI and Wednesday I found out the true extent of the damage in my foot! It is NOT good news!

I broke the 5th metatarsal, tore the peroneus brevis tendon, tore the peroneus longus tendon, and over stretched the tendon on the inside of my left foot. It is horrible. I will be needing surgery. So far what the doctor says is that I will need that metarsal planed and then the tendons reattached to that bone. Might even need tendon repair as well on the peroneus tendons. Possibly the one on the inside of my foot. I am being referred to a surgeon to have surgery on my foot.

I have been in a walking since the middle of July and it is driving me nuts. I am fed up. And now having surgery, I cannot go to work and I will be stuck in this boot most likely until January or February, depending on when I have the surgery. Dafuq am I gonna do? Life sucks right now!!

Twunt of the Week

This weeks twunt of the week: Josh Freeman. Bitch you got cut from the Tampa Bay Bucs because you suck!! Get with the program and be a QB not a RB!

Daddy's 80th Birthday

Yesterday was my dad's 80th birthday! He's amazing! He's healthy & no signs of dimentia despite the 80 year old brain. I think its amazing to be 80 because he lived thru the 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and now the 00s.

Our country has gone thru so many changes in those decades. My dad lived through WWII, the Great Depression, fought in the Korean War and earned a Purple Heart, and Vietnam.

Dad witnessed the amazing cars built in the 40s & 50s. He worked at a Detroit auto factory.  He was also acab driver.

During the 60s he witnessed the transition of women's rights and the creation of the birth control mini pill. He witnessed segragation, the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr., and how the African Americans gained their civil rights. He witnessed the election of John F. Kennedy as well as JFK's assassination. He lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. He witnessed NASA send astronauts to the moon and all the previous rocket launches, including the most famous, the Apollo 11 mission.

He had an amazing time in the 70s through the disco era.

During the 80s he lived through the Reagan years, the Cold War, the war on drugs, and the Iran Contra Affair. He witnessed the very first Space Shuttle mission, Columbia. He also witnessed the explosion of the Space Shuttle Challenger. He witnessed the creation of the Atari 2600 video game system and Pac Man along with the birth of the Apple Computer. He also witnessed the first attack on the World Trade Center.

In the 90s he saw the Gulf War. He witnessed the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building known as the Oklahoma City Bombing.  He watched me graduate high school in 91 and then my brother in 95. He had 3 more grandchildren born in 92, 96, and 99; my three children. He also witnessed the beginning of the internet revolution.

In the 2000s he saw the internet begin to boom. He became accustomed to using a computer and discovered the deals on eBay. In 2001 he saw the tragedy and demise of the World Trade Center. He witnessed the war in Afghanistan and the war in Iraq. Witnessed the deaths of Uday & Qusai Hussein and the capture of one the world's most renowned and feared leaders, Saddam Hussein. He witnessed how terrorism changed National Security & people's lives here in America.

There were so many other events that changed the course of history in America. Many presidential elections as well as the deaths of many Presidents. He's lived through so many technological, medical, and military breakthroughs.

Cheers to my dad and another 20 years to be 100, a century old!! I love you Daddy ♥

Pet Food Recall: Eukanuba

Bringing you the latest recall!! This time Eukanuba doggie food!!

http://medconnections.com/fda-recalls/pg-pet-food-recall.html

Obama's Deal-Back Room Politics

PBS news special on what went on behind closed doors. Its true. Back room politics were used so Obama could get his univetsal health care bill pushed through. So far it hasn't worked. This is what he staked his presidency on. Most Americans do not want univetdal health care. We will be made to buy into this. Just doesn't make sense how Americans reelected him and hate this plan. SMH.

http://m.video.pbs.org/video/1468710007/

Terror Alert-Middle East, 8-4-13

A terror alert has been issued for the Middle East & some European counties including the UK, Germany, and France. This is amidst a new terror plan that was recently discovered.

http://www.thisdaylive.com/articles/terror-alert-us-shuts-21-embassies/155371/

The Wolverine

First off bad pic. I had to be early after a few hours sleep. No make up because it was 95°.

Hugh Jackman plays Wolverine with raw & intense emotion. Logan battles his own demons, alcoholism, nightmares, loneliness, and the death of Jean Gray. The Japanese soldier he saved in WWII has sent Psylocke for him, so that he could say goodbye to Logan. There is more to that goodbye than meets the eye. Logan researches near death to protect Mariko from the Yakuza, and others. Viper makes her debut in The Wolverine along with Psylocke. Make to stay for the credits!! The Wolverine is action packed and filled with parkour that will keep you wanting more! Every X-Men fan should see this movie!

Complaint Letter to Herndon Branch Library-Orlando

***Yesterday was a nightmare here at the Orlando Public Library- Herndon Branch. It was EXTREMELY noisy. Librarians and patrons both were throwing DVDs into bins and slamming back on the shelves. They just don't give a damn how noisy they are. Cell phones were constantly going off with loud obnoxious ringtones. Put that shit on vibrate people! I expect a level of quietness when I come to the library! People conversating and talking quietly on their phones do not bother me. Its just the slamming of the DVDs and the cell phones going off. Some people here have no respect for library rules. I can tell you that Leesburg Public Library does NOT tolerate this kind of noise! I enjoyed going to the Leesburg library. But here, I do not like it but I have no choice. Its the closest one to home. Here is the letter I sent to the Orange County Library (they are the main branch here in Orlando). It is a lovely hate mail lol:

I would just like to suggest that the noise level at this library be cut down. Librarians and patrons alike are throwing DVDs and the cases into bins and this is extremely loud. I come here to do work for my masters degree in psychology with an emphasis on health psychology. This is hard work and I do expect a level of quietness. A large amount of the patrons are very quiet. However, at times their cell phones are ringing and they are often loud and annoying. I ALWAYS have my phone on vibrate and the sound turned off of my computer. Can you please institute a strict policy of people with their cell phones? Libraries are supposed to be quiet. I do not mind people conversating and making friends so long as they whisper. The problem I have is with the noise people are making with these DVDs and with cell phones. 

Thank you for your patience and understanding in this matter.

***Now let's see what type of response I get and if anything changes here!

Hell yes!! I will NOT miss it this year!! I missed it last year because I had gallbladder surgery & a severely broken toe!!

http://blogs.amctv.com/the-walking-dead/2013/07/amcs-the-walking-dead-to-be-resurrected-at-universal-studios-halloween-horror-nights/

Tips on Healthy Ways to Cope with Stress

Dealing with stress and anxiety? Here's some great ways to help!

http://gohealthblog.blogspot.com/2013/07/ways-to-cope-with-stress.html?m=1

Zimmerman Helps Family in Car Accident

Way to go Zimmerman!! He's a good man that got caught up in a bad situation!! He did NOT have to stop to help this family of four because he's been in hiding out because of death threats. Please stop the racism against this man. Its just not right.

By the way I'm not racist do please do not accuse me of something I'm not. I have friends with people of ALL colors and races. I have friends from all over the world. African-Americans, South Africans, Egyptians, Iranians, Iraqis, Greek, Swedish, Jewish, Palistian, Hispanics, Russians, Germans, all over the world. Color, gender, races, & religion doesn't exist in my world!! I'm for HUMAN rights. Everyone deserves the same rights under the sun. We are all human!!

http://cdn.localwireless.com/wap/news/text.jsp?sid=379&nid=1266084636&cid=24249

Norman Reedus on Carol & Daryl in Season 4

Will their be an active romance between Daryl & Carol? Check out this Access Hollywood article!

http://www.accesshollywood.com/the-walking-dead-norman-reedus-talks-new-zombie-threat-carol-and-daryl-being-a-thing_article_82024

Florida Stand Your Ground Law: FL S. 776.013

This is why Zimmerman's defense could NOT & did not use the Stand Your Ground Law.

http://www.flsenate.gov/Laws/Statutes/2011/776.013

The Walking Dead Season 4 Trailer!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSi2fJALDyQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

This is a movement': Zimmerman protests press on

Florida is going to be a racial battle ground now for no reason. The Zimmerman case was not racially motivated!!

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/07/16/.UeXAllz61jA.facebook

US Constitution: Bill of Rights

Original Ten Amendments: The Bill of Rights

Passed by Congress September 25, 1789.
Ratified December 15, 1791.

Amendment I
Freedoms, Petitions, Assembly

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II
Right to bear arms

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III
Quartering of soldiers

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV
Search and arrest

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V
Rights in criminal cases

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb, nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI
Right to a fair trial

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed; which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defence.

Amendment VII
Rights in civil cases

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII
Bail, fines, punishment

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment IX
Rights retained by the People

The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X
States' rights

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

http://www.ushistory.org/documents/amendments.htm

6th Amendment

AMENDMENT VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

http://www.law.cornell.edu/constitution/sixth_amendment

Attorney General Eric Holder criticizes stand-your-ground laws at NAACP Conference

Well now. I thought this case wasn't racially motivated? Zimmerman was found not guilty of Manslaughter so what's the deal? Does anyone not care that Zimmerman was called a, and i quote, "creepy ass cracker"? People need to step back and think. Zimmerman saw someone acting suspect and it snowballed. You didn't hear Zimmerman call Martin the N word!

If a Hispanic teenager was killed by a black adult it wouldn't make the news. The Sanford police chief wouldn't have lost his job, Governor Scott would not have been forced to assign a special State Attorney to handle the case, and of course there would be no civil lawsuits filed and no civil rights violations.

http://cdn.localwireless.com/wap/news/text.jsp?sid=379&nid=2073174611&cid=24222&scid=-1&checksum=2641503873

News Trayvon Martin supporters occupy office of Florida Governor Rick Scott

OK. The State of Florida flat out said this case was NOT racially motivated! I'd like to know if ANYONE has read the 2nd & 3rd Amendments?? Seriously. The Bill of Rights is one of the first things we learn in 4th & 5th grades!!

Zimmerman was tried in a court of law by a jury of his peers and found not guilty. This bullshit needs to stop.

http://cdn.localwireless.com/wap/news/text.jsp?sid=379&nid=3534980167&cid=24222&scid=-1&checksum=1324339664

Trayvon Martin Rally, March-Downtown Orlando

This case is being turned into a racial case. Its getting ridiculous. Does anyone car that Zimmerman was called a creepy ass cracker? Sounds like a racial slur to me. This is getting out of hand. Has ANYONE read the 2nd & 6th amendment rights!

http://cdn.localwireless.com/wap/news/text.jsp?sid=379&nid=4265228547&cid=24222&scid=-1&checksum=502174028

Microsoft Gave the NSA Direct Backdoor Access to Outlook, Skype

Microsoft Gave the NSA Direct Backdoor Access to Outlook, Skype

Last month my Outlook email account was hacked. I have yet to be able to change my password. Every time I try to reset my password it days "you've used all your log in attempts." That's bullshit! I have since stopped using Outlook and switched.

www.appy-geek.com/Web/ArticleWeb.aspx?regionid=1&articleid=10903509

Why We Can No Longer Trust Microsoft

This article tells us why we should no longer trust Microsoft. But here's the problems:

1. Microsoft computers are much cheaper than MacBooks.

2. Students depend on Microsoft Office for their school work (I sure as hell do).

3. Businesses depend on Quicken, Quick Books, Office, etc.

The only way around this whole NSA spying is to go Mac. Grrr...

www.appy-geek.com/Web/ArticleWeb.aspx?regionid=1&articleid=10935041

Cory Monteith Found Deceased

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/07/14/glee-actor-cory-monteith-found-dead-in-vancouver-hotel-room/

Kidney Disease & Animal Protein

So, some of family friends do not understand why I have to eat a vegan diet. People with KD (kidney disease) must avoid animal proteins because these proteins cause rapid progression of KD. My KD is in remission thanks to the vegan diet and a drug called Losartan. Here is an article from Livestrong that explains how animal proteins damage the kidneys and why vegetable proteins are good proteins :) I am now only allowed 36 grams of protein a day because of my body weight. That is less than 1/4 what everyday people without KD are allowed to have. Now you see why this diet is so important to me. I would like to go without a transplant for at least 25 years!

When I started my vegan diet almost a year ago I weighed approximately 140 lbs, now I weight 109. Since I have been vegan, I feel better, have less fatigue, and my blood glucose levels are almost 90% in range. I have been diagnosed with type II diabetes for 9 1/2 years. Because I have kidney disease and diabetic neuropathy, my doctor estimates that I have been diabetic since I was pregnant with my first child, 18 years. Two months ago, for the first time in nearly two years, I had normal blood and urine tests across the board! My kidney disease is not in remission or has been reversed. I was VERY lucky that my doctor caught my KD in stage 1. It is called microalbuminuria.

If you have KD it is VERY important to eat vegan as much as possible. Animal proteins wreak hell on your kidneys and can cause the disease to progress rapidly. I am hoping this blog reaches and helps at least one person with diabetes KD. Helping the life of one person would mean the world to me. Please take 10 minutes of your time, just 10 minutes out of your lifespan, and read over this article. It might save your life, and at the least, prolong the life of your kidneys.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/281366-vegetable-protein-and-kidney-function/#page=1

Bieber Insults President Clinton!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AF-DMozAOc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Shit Carol Thinks About

Shit Carol thinks about at 3:50 am when she should be sleeping: why can't we text out address to 911 if we need help? Silence is golden, so are our lives. Good night all ♥

Marilyn Manson Comes Back From Depression....

http://www.goupstate.com/article/20130711/ENT/307111012

Previously on the Walking Dead...Hilarious!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWL2aeSlU8M&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Man Fathers 87 Children! Free Sperm Anyone?

http://abcnews.go.com/m/blogEntry?id=16161819&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2Fl.php%3Fu%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fabcnews.go.com%252Fblogs%252Fheadlines%252F2012%252F04%252Fsperm-donor-has-fathered-87-kids-the-natural-way%252F%26h%3D5AQHbAPGg%26s%3D1

How Silva's Hideout in Skyfall was Found

http://google-latlong.blogspot.com/2013/06/take-stroll-through-abandoned.html?m=1

Dr. Doom or Iron Man?

Would Dr. Doom be able to control the various types of metal in the Iron Man suit?

The metals in Tony Stark's Iron Man suit is thought to be comprised of various materials such as titanium and nickel-titanium (nitinol). Iron would not be possible because this metal is too dense. Nitinol can be deformed at one temperature and then resume its shape back at the transformation temperature.

The suit also contains carbon-carbon composite.  This is a carbon fiber reinforced graphite that can tolerate heat in upwards of 2300° F, just the space shuttles built by NASA.

The last material the suit contains is single crystal titanium. This custom made titanium reduces the number of imperfections in the suit. This makes the suit much stronger than other titanium suits. Its now being used in military jet engines that are susceptible to bird strikes.

Now, can Victor von Doom control the metals in Tony Stark's Iron Man suit? Yes.

In conclusion: Tony Stark is for in one hell of a ride with Victor von Doom!!

Reference:

Official Marvel Website

Notre Dame Ends Rivalry with Michigan!

Column: Notre Dame not chicken, just greedy http://www.thescore.com/home/articles/867981

Bad Friends vs. Good Friends

I have two friends here in Orlando while Amanda & her family are in NC where her husband is working. These two supposed friends don't call, don't stop by to check on me, or even send a fucking text!! True friends do not act like that!! I won't say the names of these two out of what little respect I have for them. How could you leave a really sick friend home alone for a week without dropping by for 15 minutes to make sure they have everything they need. I needed help paying for a $6 prescription. I asked one friend and they said they didn't have $6. OK I'll remember that bullshit. I love you Amanda! Thanks to u & Robert I have my medicine. I have bent over backwards to help my sick friends with whatever money I have left and I sit with them. Rub their backs. Try to give them comfort in knowing they will feel better ♥

Now for the best friends that I have that can't be with me but call & text me all the time I love you all! I'm happy to have you as my best friends. You've all been some light at the end of my tunnel! Thank you Julie, Ken, Amanda, Robert, and Tracey. I'm here for you guys too ♥

I would also like to thank my Facebook Sistas for their warm get well wishes!! I love you ladies too!! ♥

Virtual (((HUGGS))) for all my Facebook Sistas and friends around the world wishing me get wells ♥
,

50 Shades of Grey Release Date Announced

The release date for the 50 Shades of Grey is set for August 1st, 2014. The film has been picked up by Universal Studios, which could be good thing. In my opinion, Universal Studios has consistently filmed some of the best block buster hits over the last 100 years of their history. All of my favorite movies are Universal Studios films. The release date was released today. Although they have this release date, there is no mention of who will portray Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. The tension mounts as who will portray Christrian Grey! Ryan Gosling, Ian Sommerhalder, and Channing Tatum seem to be the top three nominees on Facebook. However I prefer Michael Fassbender, he would be a tad to old to play a 27 year old billionaire.

50 Shades of Grey Release Date

The Walking Dead Emmy Nominations

For those of you who wish to catch the Primetime Emmy Awards to see if The Walking Dead & Andrew Lincoln win their awards, here's the link for date, time, & other nominees:

http://www.emmys.com

ATTENTION: WALKING DEAD FANS!!

I have set up a Walking Dead fan page on Facebook called Walking Dead Nation! Please if you are a fan check it out and like it! Just launched today so its going to take a bit to get it off the ground! Would love to have some conversations and fun times on the page! Just click the link and it will take you right there! I also run a Facebook group called The Walking Dead Nation! Everyone is allowed to join just ask for an invite! I posted another link that you can go to. The group is on fire! We just need more members!

Walking Dead Nation page

The Walking Dead Nation group

Happiness SOMEWHAT returning...

Well some new things are turning around.  The only thing that isn't is my daughter not wanting to live down here in Orlando with me.  That really and truly breaks my heart.  I am hoping that she will change her mind in a few months...

And with that said.  I am very happy down here in Orlando.  I've also had some of my Facebook friends and my Sistas group supporting me and helping me get over this insane depression I have been going through.  Never had a depressive episode this bad, every!  Someone from my past has become a very good friend to me and that makes me happy.  While Amanda and Tela is with Robert up in North Carolina, Robert is working there, this person has kept me from being alone and is keeping me from getting depressed about everything that has gone wrong.  Julie keeps me going by supporting me and she is someone I trust my life with and I can confide in.

Two months ago I received the news that ALL my tests and urine tests were fully normal across the board!! That means that my diabetes is VERY well controlled, my kidney disease is in FULL remission, and all my functions are normal, such as my liver.  This is extremely great news for me because now I feel like I can live another 40 years! I have been tight with my vegan diet, eating mostly fruits, vegetables, some pasta, and some bread.  I can poultry 2-3 a month.  NO pork, but I miss bacon something fierce.  I did find vegetable bacon I am willing to try.  Because of my diet and some exercise, walking as much as I physically can, I now weight 109 pounds!  When I was placed on this diet for kidney health and protection I weighed approximately 138-145.

I received my final grades for my social psychology class today!  I have good reason to be proud of myself despite all the stressful situations over the past 10 or so weeks.  My content grade was a 100 A, the average grade for writing was a 98 A, and my overall end grade for the class is a 99 A! My final signature assignment was a perfect 100 and it was an annotated bibliography with 16 entries.  Think I should feel a little narcissistic?  I about my grades I think I can :)

I now have some hope back.  While I have no religion, I believe in fate in Karma.  I used to have hope for better things to come in my life.  It disappeared a very long time ago with all kinds of unfortunate events that have been happening since I was 21.  Many violent and disappointing events over the last 19 years, almost half of my life.  So hope has returned despite a couple things going on.

I just want to thank my dad, my few friends, and my friends on Facebook.  I now have hope and things to look forward to.  I guess my good Karma has returned and my fate is turning around for the good <3

Nothingness-work in progress.

NO ONE HAS ANY PERMISSION TO USE ALL OR PART OF THIS WRITING WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. 

Nothingness 🎶

There is no faith, no love, no dreams. 

Fate and destiny take ahold of me. 

There is no God, no hope, no forgiveness. 

Life and death take ahold of me & make me breathless.

The past cannot be changed, cannot be forgotten, can not be edited. 

The past cannot be erased, the past can only be accepted.

Pain lives behind these brown eyes, there's something lost. 

The pain behind these brown eyes has no soul. 

Sucking me deep into an abyss. 

There's no returning from black of darkness. 

Turning 40

In 5 weeks I will be 40. Its depressing because all my friends have partners or are married. I've been pretty much single, seeing someone for 6-8 weeks and breaking up constitutes being single, for almost 5 years. Being 40 and single feels pathetic to me. I've had my fun and I'm done. I want to live the rest of my life with someone. I'm a realist. I have kidney disease so what if I only have 20-25 years left to live? At least I could share it with someone I love ♥

Having diabetes, neuropathy, and now kidney disease would cause me to worry about being 40. Why you ask? Because my birth father was dead at the age of 44. This was largely in part because he did not take care of his diabetes. He didn't take it seriously. My mom died at 51and she had MS, arteriosclerosis, and was most likely diabetic because of large ulcer sores she would get on her legs & ankles after a cut or insect bite she received.

Now after years of controlled blood sugars and my kidney disease in remission, plus healthy blood and urine tests, I'm confident diabetes won't kill me. The kidney disease will. Its 100% fatal. However, I can prolong death for up to 30 years.

Now I'm just scared of being lonely. The feeling of loneliness is horrible. Just when I think I found Mr. Right, in 2 months he turns in Mr. Wrong. Instead of kissing a frog & turning him into a prince, I'm kissing princes and turning them into frogs!! There's either something wrong with me or them. What the fuck?

I have been blessed with three children who have brought me great joy for almost 21 years. But that's not the same as living my life with a wonderful man. Children grow up and leave home. I want a man who shares hobbies with me and will walk beside me through thick and thin. Someone I can share my dreams with. I don't care about money or the kind of home we live in. I only care about love. Is that too much to ask for?

I can day this about myself. I have high self esteem, almost narcissistic, I believe I'm beautiful on the inside and outside, I feel gorgeous & attractive. I have no problems getting dates. Its just finding the one I'm drawn to, the one I cannot live without and he cannot live without me. I look young for my age and I enjoy the compliments I receive. But when the perfect man come along, faults and all! I have faults, we all do ♥

Feeling cute ♥

Driving in Orlando ...

While driving in Orlando:

Saw this sexy ass import tuner-Mitsubishi Evo VII- blue with silver streak decals.....lets go for a little ride!

What if I told you...

One of the greatest quotes I've ever seen :)

My Facebook Sistas!

So most of you know the hard times that I and my family are going through. I belong to a group of amazing, that doesn't even begin to describe these ladies, ladies. Pretty much the entire group was connected from the game of We Rule for iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch (no longer available ugh).

Well, several of these ladies pooled together to send me a couple of Visa gift cards and some cash. Thanks to these amazing ladies I was able to afford my car repairs! A $109 battery for my car and $200.89 to put a pulley kit in my car to replace my blown up AC compressor. And that is not all!

My family lost our apartment because rent was just ONE day late! One fucking day!! Now my family is separated and I am disabled, in school so I can online teach psychology (I have worked my ass off to earn my AA degree, my Bachelor's degree in Psychology, my criminal profiling certification, my crime scene investigation certification, and now 1/3 of the way through my Masters in Psychology with an emphasis on health psychology). One of the ladies in the group that I have met personally is now one of my best friends (Julie and Ken I love guys so much!). Her name is Amanda. Amanda and her family have given me a place to live so I do not have to be homeless on the 31st! My daughter is living with my brother, my younger son as well, and my oldest son is staying with a friend, hopefully for a long time.

Words cannot even describe how much my Sistas have gotten me through one of the roughest times in my life! I have Bipolar disorder and I am going through a rapid cycling of mania, depression, and normalcy (well normal for me). I can cry to these ladies, smile with these ladies, and laugh with these ladies. They have helped me through my strongest depression (you too Julie!!) this go around. It was so bad I didn't care if I woke up the next day, although I am not suicidal. I just hope that one day I can return the favor to my fellow Sistas!!

I am at horrible spot in my life right now and I miss children so damn much it hurts my heart so bad. I somewhat feel alone without them. But I am looking toward the future and hopefully a brand new start in Orlando. I now have something to look forward to in my life. I can feel something good on the horizon

I love you ladies and are most gracious for your help <3

Nothing is Ever Better...

Well yesterday I paid $50 to put freon in my car, knowing the compressor could go at anytime. HA! It went out fucking TODAY people! Today seriously? Two and a half weeks before I must travel around from friend to friend for a roof over my damn head!! A VERY kind family in Orlando has offered me a room. Now I have NO car to drive unless I come up with $125 (leaves me air like EVER), $350 for just a compressor, or $650 for the shit and shebang.

So now here come the thoughts of just giving up again!! I cannot take one more setback or I will land myself in the mental hospital on suicide watch and treatment. Shit after shit after shit is ruining my life. It's not only affecting my life, but I have three children!! I am so fucking lost. My brain is wondering through space trying to think of what purpose I have in this shitty life. A shitty life that I have had since the day I popped out of my mother's vagina and started yelling bloody hell!

What is the purpose of one's life? Apparently for me its nothing but pain, misery, abuse, and daemons. Everyone always says hang in there it will get better? What is better? A car I can drive for 4 months without breaking down? Is better moving around being without my kids for weeks or months at a time. Is better trying to get a job where there are none. Is better getting a job with no stable home to live in? Is better just being cremated? I don't know what better is. Better is not in my vocab. Worse and less worse now those are words I can understand. And now comes the Ativan in a double dose! I cannot handle much more of the shit that life is dealing to me.

As I blog this I am watching the almighty movie Troy with Brad Pitt. I cannot help to wonder what things would be like in the times of ancient Greece. People seemed happy. Life was simple. There were communities that gathered and helped each other. They celebrations of their Gods that were exciting, fun, and often times dramatic. Their world was filled with warriors, wars that were won, alliances were made, bargaining and trading. People rode horses, they didn't break down. The Greeks loved all Greeks. They would always band together and committed to their country. Greece could also be filled with strife and turmoil from their wolds but they always stayed committed to the love of Greece!

Iron Man 3: Review 1

Tony Stark is hotter than ever. Pepper has a bigger role in this third installment. The action & graphics are out of this world! Ben Kingsley fell short. Guy Pierce needs to step it up a bit. Kinda reminds me if the douche bag Hammer a lil too much. The Iron Patriot looks bad ass but I like War Machine better.

I will write a second review later in time. This one will be from the comic book stand point.

Bullying?

It seems that bullying is becoming a recent new trend. I say trend because bullying has gone on since I can remember being in the 3rd grade where this fellow 3rd grader, a boy called me one eyed Carol. He called me one eye'd Carol because I was cross eyed and had to wear a patch over my left eye to strengthen my right eye. Everyday walking home from school he would chase me home. Nobody helped me and nobody cared to stop this classmate of mine. One day running home from school my great-grandmother, Babi, seen what the boy was doing to me, she yelled at him and threatened to call the police. That was the end of him bullying me.

Now, lets flash forward to umm 5th grade? I was being bullied by two girls from the 8th grade. They were mean to me every chance they had. Because I moved around a lot as a child, I so desperately wanted to make friends. I tried to befriend these girls just to have some friends. I didn't give a rats ass that they were mean. One day these two girls sexually attacked me. They humiliated me by making me take all my clothes off and forcing me to do act out sexually. Not many people know this. Did I tell anyone, NO. I too scared and too meek. I attribute this to a lack of friends and confidants.

Flash forward again to 9th grade. In high school I didn't fit in anywhere. I tried so hard to make friends. I consider myself kind, giving, lovable, compassionate, friendly, forgiving, and I would give the shirt off my back to people if I had friends. I was in the outsiders group. Just a handful of about 10 kids that didn't fit in. I wasn't wealthy, I wasn't a jock, and I wasn't a prep. I was considered dark and dreary, the satanist, the girl everyone had to avoid. No one wanted to even speak to me. Sure, I had several acquaintances  but that was the extent of it. Those acquaintances probably spoke to me because they felt like it would be rude not to and wasn't the "Christian" way to be. I was mostly shy and sat at the back of the room because people were scared of me, thought I was something I was not, or just didn't care. I was labeled a Satanist yet I went to church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I went to a church where a few of these people who picked on me and labeled me a Satanist went to! I could never understand why. I made only five best, close friends during my entire four year stint at Wildwood High School. Suzanne, Becky, Jennifer, Tina, and Greta.   Jennifer speaks to me occasionally. Greta moved up in the world, got a great job, married, and then thought she was too good for me to be her friend anymore.

High school was some of the worst childhood years I could endure, the bullying was only one problem, the domestic violence was another. That will be a different blog down the road. After high school I still found it extremely difficult to make or keep friends. Through my mid 20's and into my mid 30's I had a long term, co-dependent relationship that was extremely rocky and violent at times. Through this time I didn't make new friends. I felt like I had to stay alone and just be with my family. I made a couple good friends when I lived at Little Turtle in Leesburg- I call her Miss Ellie still (LOL) and Nickole.

After I finally ended the relationship, on and off for almost 15 years, I started to become more outgoing and started living me life again. I was beginning to realize mental illness was real and something was wrong with my brain. I went to clubs and had fun. I began to binge drink every 4-5 months because I thought it was normal fun. I made a few friends along the way but they are just acquaintances now.

At the age of about 34 I got heavily into tattoos and piercings! I continue this seemingly pain fetish to this day. Always pushing the envelope to see how much pain I can truly handle. I currently have 51 tattoos. I have had an 8 1/2 hour, 7 hour, a few 5 1/2 hour sessions, and several 3 hour sessions. 8 1/2 hours is as far as I can go for my pain threshold. I have had several piercings over the last 8 years. Some I took out on my own, some came out on their own, and some I had to take out. I have had my hood, nipples, labret, snake bites, and eyebrow in the past, I no longer have those. I now have an industrial barbell, tongue, septum, monroe, bottom lip, belly button, and four dermal implants in my chest. Always trying to catch that pain high.

What does the last paragraph have anything to do with bullying you ask? The truth is, at now matter what age or what we look like we are all being bullied in some way, shape or form. I get dirty looks, people talking about me behind my back, and rude remarks. I usually tell people they are allowed to have their opinions but they do not have the right to be rude to me in public or to my face that they should have some respect. I sometimes feel rejected in society but I do not care. I love who I am and how I look. I am a confident and sexy woman.

I still find it hard to make friends even though in a couple short months I will be 40 years old. I still have my extremely short circle of friends, minus the best friends I have made through Facebook through my Sistas and some friends around the country and around the world. The truth is, I can never hang out with those FB friends. My two best friends Ken and Julie always find some way to include me in fun activities that they do. I would enjoy making some other friends but it seems that people are just too scared to get to know me, that I might actually turn out to be an amazing best friend or lover. I have been in and out of relationships forever. Because I have an avoidant attachment style, I find it hard to keep friends and keep relationships. That is from years of bullying, a lack of true friends, and moving around as a child.

The point here is to just keep moving on. You can still live and be happy, or at least fool everyone around you like I have mastered. You can move on from the bullying. Find a buddy that you can confide in, that one true friend that you have. If you don't have that one true friend there is always the internet. By blogging I can get my feelings out and find others who feel or look like me. People that can keep me going and put a smile on my face. I was always scared to speak up for myself out of fear or just plain not caring and letting people walk all over me. I am just going to keep moving on and see which crooked fork path in the road I follow will lead me. Will it lead me to happiness? Will it lead me to love? Will it lead me to having my family together again? I have no answer for those questions, only time will reveal the answers. Time will reveal your answers too.

Living with Manic-Depressive Bipolar Disorder

Manic-Depressive Bipolar Disorder is one of the hardest mental disorders to get under control and keep under control. Only recently I've decided to write about my struggles with my mental illness.
This Bipolar Disorder, let's just call it BP, wrecks my moods and the ability to get thru life life as a normal person. With my BP being in severe mode right now my brain is rapidly cycling between moods.
I run thru a long period of mania, sometimes up to 2 weeks. This period of a higher than normal happiness often causes me to binge drink and spend money i shouldnt be.
Then i go thru a long period of depression that causes me to not care if I wake up the next day. I'm not suicidal, just don't care. People tell me to keep my chin up and be happy, it doesn't work that way. My good friends try to help but most times I get thru it alone.
After the cycling of mania and depression I'll go thru periods of normalcy where I'm on an even keel. This period of normalcy can last a week to a few months.
Right now because of losing my apartment, becoming a vagabond, losing my kitties, being separated from my kids, and my daughter's weird health problems I'm going thru rapid cycling of mania & depression. There is no normalcy. I don't know if I will ever feel my normal again.
I see a therapist every two weeks and a good psychiatrist every month. Each month I'm getting my Lamictal increased. I'm now taking 300 mg a day. I also take 30mg Restoril & Trazodone for insomnia, and 1 mg Ativan 2x a day for anxiety from PTSD.
So yes, I'm also dealing with stress from PTSD from 27 years of domestic violence. Violence that I can remember back to the age of 4, 35 years ago.
I live an extremely difficult life that np one seems to understand. Maybe my story will shed some light on the emotions I live through and the frustrations of living with mental illness.

Unloved & Rejected....

Some people wonder why I always seem happy, too happy. Its because I've mastered the ability to turn off my emotions. Its a curse not a blessing. The only love I have left in my heart is the most center piece for my children, Shawn & Jess, & Julie and her family. This is the group of my people I hold closest to my heart.

There is no other room for love, only emptiness. I've always felt unloved and rejected my entire life. I don't even know what normal relationships are supposed to be? How can I have meaningful relationships if I can't feel love any more?

This week I discovered something from my past when I was 7 years old. This has caused me to question my entire life existence. I now feel as though I belong nowhere. My mother didn't want me when I was 7. She showed little or no affection towards me. Very little food and my grandfather & uncle would sneak me snacks & milk. My mom was a disturbing alcoholic who cared for no one but her selfish needs & her next drink. She was seen several times beating me, including a time when I was repeatedly struck in the head.
My mother told me I had no father, better yet she yelled at me that I have no father. She only referred to him as Russ or Russell. My mother asked her father (my grandfather) & her grandmother. (My great-grandmother) if I could refer to them (they were Pa and Babi to me) if I could call them mom & dad. They agreed. My grandparents later adopted me and my last name was Korsun.

The breakup between James hit me like a ton bricks. Words can't describe the devistation I feel. I'm feeling unloved & rejected once again. We were a perfect family. I blindsided by him breaking up with me. Causing severe bouts of depression and then elevated moods of mania that are uncontrollable. I express a lot of feelings, not just for James, but other people in my life thru music.

Facing the impending doom of homelessness is overwhelming. All the stress is beginning to consume me. I randomly cry, I'm getting severe migraines and more & more symptoms of conversion disorder. Its affecting my pain levels and my abilities in my right hip & leg.

I'm looking for the time in my life where I no longer have to feel rejected and unloved. Some of my family & my 2 best friends (you know who u are) have been my "pride rock". They keep me afloat on this tiny raft. This tiny raft in the middle of treacherous seas where I want to let go; let go and drown. Drown & never have another worry in the world.

Dedicated to:
Taylor Kennedy
Shawn-Wyatt Kennedy
Elizabeth Brown
William McMillian
Shawn Kennedy
Jessica Nieves
Julie Brinker
Shawn Brinker
Ken Munroe
My FB Sistas
Nickole Pierre Bailey
Miss Ellie
Aunt Shirley
Matthew Korsun

I love all of you so very, very much! Always remember that til my dying day ♥

Busy with Pain

Here lately I haven't blogged much. I've been busy with my ethics in psychology class. Instructor must not like the letter A. He's an asshole.

I've been really stressed out too. I had my disability hearing last week. It went very well and my legal assistant thinks I won my case. I have so many medical issues I'm coping with.

I found out recently that I have something wrong with the nerve that runs from my lower back down my right leg. Its not called sciatica. I also have calcifications in my pelvis.

So I have a great pain management doctor. He's giving me Tramadol but it doesn't help much. The pain in my right hip becomes excruciating and it affects my ability to walk :( . That sucks monkey balls. I wish I could be pain free for just one day.

Its so frustrating. Sometimes I cry because I know I'll never get better.  Its very depressing. I sometimes talk to my aunt and my dad about how I'm feeling. I don't complain too much because I already feel like I'm becoming a burden to my family, especially my children. I need so much help with house cleaning and grocery shopping.

I hate to even think what I will be like 10 years from now when I will be almost 50. Will I be in a wheelchair? My pain management doctor wants to test me for MS. I have diabetic neuropathy but my neurological pain is behaving like MS. I am always tired and have moderate to severe fatigue.

Anyways. I just hope I can get better pain meds when I go to pain management this month.

♥