Well yesterday I paid $50 to put freon in my car, knowing the compressor could go at anytime. HA! It went out fucking TODAY people! Today seriously? Two and a half weeks before I must travel around from friend to friend for a roof over my damn head!! A VERY kind family in Orlando has offered me a room. Now I have NO car to drive unless I come up with $125 (leaves me air like EVER), $350 for just a compressor, or $650 for the shit and shebang.
So now here come the thoughts of just giving up again!! I cannot take one more setback or I will land myself in the mental hospital on suicide watch and treatment. Shit after shit after shit is ruining my life. It's not only affecting my life, but I have three children!! I am so fucking lost. My brain is wondering through space trying to think of what purpose I have in this shitty life. A shitty life that I have had since the day I popped out of my mother's vagina and started yelling bloody hell!
What is the purpose of one's life? Apparently for me its nothing but pain, misery, abuse, and daemons. Everyone always says hang in there it will get better? What is better? A car I can drive for 4 months without breaking down? Is better moving around being without my kids for weeks or months at a time. Is better trying to get a job where there are none. Is better getting a job with no stable home to live in? Is better just being cremated? I don't know what better is. Better is not in my vocab. Worse and less worse now those are words I can understand. And now comes the Ativan in a double dose! I cannot handle much more of the shit that life is dealing to me.
As I blog this I am watching the almighty movie Troy with Brad Pitt. I cannot help to wonder what things would be like in the times of ancient Greece. People seemed happy. Life was simple. There were communities that gathered and helped each other. They celebrations of their Gods that were exciting, fun, and often times dramatic. Their world was filled with warriors, wars that were won, alliances were made, bargaining and trading. People rode horses, they didn't break down. The Greeks loved all Greeks. They would always band together and committed to their country. Greece could also be filled with strife and turmoil from their wolds but they always stayed committed to the love of Greece!
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