Manic-Depressive Bipolar Disorder is one of the hardest mental disorders to get under control and keep under control. Only recently I've decided to write about my struggles with my mental illness.
This Bipolar Disorder, let's just call it BP, wrecks my moods and the ability to get thru life life as a normal person. With my BP being in severe mode right now my brain is rapidly cycling between moods.
I run thru a long period of mania, sometimes up to 2 weeks. This period of a higher than normal happiness often causes me to binge drink and spend money i shouldnt be.
Then i go thru a long period of depression that causes me to not care if I wake up the next day. I'm not suicidal, just don't care. People tell me to keep my chin up and be happy, it doesn't work that way. My good friends try to help but most times I get thru it alone.
After the cycling of mania and depression I'll go thru periods of normalcy where I'm on an even keel. This period of normalcy can last a week to a few months.
Right now because of losing my apartment, becoming a vagabond, losing my kitties, being separated from my kids, and my daughter's weird health problems I'm going thru rapid cycling of mania & depression. There is no normalcy. I don't know if I will ever feel my normal again.
I see a therapist every two weeks and a good psychiatrist every month. Each month I'm getting my Lamictal increased. I'm now taking 300 mg a day. I also take 30mg Restoril & Trazodone for insomnia, and 1 mg Ativan 2x a day for anxiety from PTSD.
So yes, I'm also dealing with stress from PTSD from 27 years of domestic violence. Violence that I can remember back to the age of 4, 35 years ago.
I live an extremely difficult life that np one seems to understand. Maybe my story will shed some light on the emotions I live through and the frustrations of living with mental illness.
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