Some people wonder why I always seem happy, too happy. Its because I've mastered the ability to turn off my emotions. Its a curse not a blessing. The only love I have left in my heart is the most center piece for my children, Shawn & Jess, & Julie and her family. This is the group of my people I hold closest to my heart.
There is no other room for love, only emptiness. I've always felt unloved and rejected my entire life. I don't even know what normal relationships are supposed to be? How can I have meaningful relationships if I can't feel love any more?
This week I discovered something from my past when I was 7 years old. This has caused me to question my entire life existence. I now feel as though I belong nowhere. My mother didn't want me when I was 7. She showed little or no affection towards me. Very little food and my grandfather & uncle would sneak me snacks & milk. My mom was a disturbing alcoholic who cared for no one but her selfish needs & her next drink. She was seen several times beating me, including a time when I was repeatedly struck in the head.
My mother told me I had no father, better yet she yelled at me that I have no father. She only referred to him as Russ or Russell. My mother asked her father (my grandfather) & her grandmother. (My great-grandmother) if I could refer to them (they were Pa and Babi to me) if I could call them mom & dad. They agreed. My grandparents later adopted me and my last name was Korsun.
The breakup between James hit me like a ton bricks. Words can't describe the devistation I feel. I'm feeling unloved & rejected once again. We were a perfect family. I blindsided by him breaking up with me. Causing severe bouts of depression and then elevated moods of mania that are uncontrollable. I express a lot of feelings, not just for James, but other people in my life thru music.
Facing the impending doom of homelessness is overwhelming. All the stress is beginning to consume me. I randomly cry, I'm getting severe migraines and more & more symptoms of conversion disorder. Its affecting my pain levels and my abilities in my right hip & leg.
I'm looking for the time in my life where I no longer have to feel rejected and unloved. Some of my family & my 2 best friends (you know who u are) have been my "pride rock". They keep me afloat on this tiny raft. This tiny raft in the middle of treacherous seas where I want to let go; let go and drown. Drown & never have another worry in the world.
Dedicated to:
Taylor Kennedy
Shawn-Wyatt Kennedy
Elizabeth Brown
William McMillian
Shawn Kennedy
Jessica Nieves
Julie Brinker
Shawn Brinker
Ken Munroe
My FB Sistas
Nickole Pierre Bailey
Miss Ellie
Aunt Shirley
Matthew Korsun
I love all of you so very, very much! Always remember that til my dying day ♥
