Well yesterday I paid $50 to put freon in my car, knowing the compressor could go at anytime. HA! It went out fucking TODAY people! Today seriously? Two and a half weeks before I must travel around from friend to friend for a roof over my damn head!! A VERY kind family in Orlando has offered me a room. Now I have NO car to drive unless I come up with $125 (leaves me air like EVER), $350 for just a compressor, or $650 for the shit and shebang.
So now here come the thoughts of just giving up again!! I cannot take one more setback or I will land myself in the mental hospital on suicide watch and treatment. Shit after shit after shit is ruining my life. It's not only affecting my life, but I have three children!! I am so fucking lost. My brain is wondering through space trying to think of what purpose I have in this shitty life. A shitty life that I have had since the day I popped out of my mother's vagina and started yelling bloody hell!
What is the purpose of one's life? Apparently for me its nothing but pain, misery, abuse, and daemons. Everyone always says hang in there it will get better? What is better? A car I can drive for 4 months without breaking down? Is better moving around being without my kids for weeks or months at a time. Is better trying to get a job where there are none. Is better getting a job with no stable home to live in? Is better just being cremated? I don't know what better is. Better is not in my vocab. Worse and less worse now those are words I can understand. And now comes the Ativan in a double dose! I cannot handle much more of the shit that life is dealing to me.
As I blog this I am watching the almighty movie Troy with Brad Pitt. I cannot help to wonder what things would be like in the times of ancient Greece. People seemed happy. Life was simple. There were communities that gathered and helped each other. They celebrations of their Gods that were exciting, fun, and often times dramatic. Their world was filled with warriors, wars that were won, alliances were made, bargaining and trading. People rode horses, they didn't break down. The Greeks loved all Greeks. They would always band together and committed to their country. Greece could also be filled with strife and turmoil from their wolds but they always stayed committed to the love of Greece!
~+*BLOGGING STUFF...THANGS*+~
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Iron Man 3: Review 1
Tony Stark is hotter than ever. Pepper has a bigger role in this third installment. The action & graphics are out of this world! Ben Kingsley fell short. Guy Pierce needs to step it up a bit. Kinda reminds me if the douche bag Hammer a lil too much. The Iron Patriot looks bad ass but I like War Machine better.
I will write a second review later in time. This one will be from the comic book stand point.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Bullying?
It seems that bullying is becoming a recent new trend. I say trend because bullying has gone on since I can remember being in the 3rd grade where this fellow 3rd grader, a boy called me one eyed Carol. He called me one eye'd Carol because I was cross eyed and had to wear a patch over my left eye to strengthen my right eye. Everyday walking home from school he would chase me home. Nobody helped me and nobody cared to stop this classmate of mine. One day running home from school my great-grandmother, Babi, seen what the boy was doing to me, she yelled at him and threatened to call the police. That was the end of him bullying me.
Now, lets flash forward to umm 5th grade? I was being bullied by two girls from the 8th grade. They were mean to me every chance they had. Because I moved around a lot as a child, I so desperately wanted to make friends. I tried to befriend these girls just to have some friends. I didn't give a rats ass that they were mean. One day these two girls sexually attacked me. They humiliated me by making me take all my clothes off and forcing me to do act out sexually. Not many people know this. Did I tell anyone, NO. I too scared and too meek. I attribute this to a lack of friends and confidants.
Flash forward again to 9th grade. In high school I didn't fit in anywhere. I tried so hard to make friends. I consider myself kind, giving, lovable, compassionate, friendly, forgiving, and I would give the shirt off my back to people if I had friends. I was in the outsiders group. Just a handful of about 10 kids that didn't fit in. I wasn't wealthy, I wasn't a jock, and I wasn't a prep. I was considered dark and dreary, the satanist, the girl everyone had to avoid. No one wanted to even speak to me. Sure, I had several acquaintances but that was the extent of it. Those acquaintances probably spoke to me because they felt like it would be rude not to and wasn't the "Christian" way to be. I was mostly shy and sat at the back of the room because people were scared of me, thought I was something I was not, or just didn't care. I was labeled a Satanist yet I went to church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I went to a church where a few of these people who picked on me and labeled me a Satanist went to! I could never understand why. I made only five best, close friends during my entire four year stint at Wildwood High School. Suzanne, Becky, Jennifer, Tina, and Greta. Jennifer speaks to me occasionally. Greta moved up in the world, got a great job, married, and then thought she was too good for me to be her friend anymore.
High school was some of the worst childhood years I could endure, the bullying was only one problem, the domestic violence was another. That will be a different blog down the road. After high school I still found it extremely difficult to make or keep friends. Through my mid 20's and into my mid 30's I had a long term, co-dependent relationship that was extremely rocky and violent at times. Through this time I didn't make new friends. I felt like I had to stay alone and just be with my family. I made a couple good friends when I lived at Little Turtle in Leesburg- I call her Miss Ellie still (LOL) and Nickole.
After I finally ended the relationship, on and off for almost 15 years, I started to become more outgoing and started living me life again. I was beginning to realize mental illness was real and something was wrong with my brain. I went to clubs and had fun. I began to binge drink every 4-5 months because I thought it was normal fun. I made a few friends along the way but they are just acquaintances now.
At the age of about 34 I got heavily into tattoos and piercings! I continue this seemingly pain fetish to this day. Always pushing the envelope to see how much pain I can truly handle. I currently have 51 tattoos. I have had an 8 1/2 hour, 7 hour, a few 5 1/2 hour sessions, and several 3 hour sessions. 8 1/2 hours is as far as I can go for my pain threshold. I have had several piercings over the last 8 years. Some I took out on my own, some came out on their own, and some I had to take out. I have had my hood, nipples, labret, snake bites, and eyebrow in the past, I no longer have those. I now have an industrial barbell, tongue, septum, monroe, bottom lip, belly button, and four dermal implants in my chest. Always trying to catch that pain high.
What does the last paragraph have anything to do with bullying you ask? The truth is, at now matter what age or what we look like we are all being bullied in some way, shape or form. I get dirty looks, people talking about me behind my back, and rude remarks. I usually tell people they are allowed to have their opinions but they do not have the right to be rude to me in public or to my face that they should have some respect. I sometimes feel rejected in society but I do not care. I love who I am and how I look. I am a confident and sexy woman.
I still find it hard to make friends even though in a couple short months I will be 40 years old. I still have my extremely short circle of friends, minus the best friends I have made through Facebook through my Sistas and some friends around the country and around the world. The truth is, I can never hang out with those FB friends. My two best friends Ken and Julie always find some way to include me in fun activities that they do. I would enjoy making some other friends but it seems that people are just too scared to get to know me, that I might actually turn out to be an amazing best friend or lover. I have been in and out of relationships forever. Because I have an avoidant attachment style, I find it hard to keep friends and keep relationships. That is from years of bullying, a lack of true friends, and moving around as a child.
The point here is to just keep moving on. You can still live and be happy, or at least fool everyone around you like I have mastered. You can move on from the bullying. Find a buddy that you can confide in, that one true friend that you have. If you don't have that one true friend there is always the internet. By blogging I can get my feelings out and find others who feel or look like me. People that can keep me going and put a smile on my face. I was always scared to speak up for myself out of fear or just plain not caring and letting people walk all over me. I am just going to keep moving on and see which crooked fork path in the road I follow will lead me. Will it lead me to happiness? Will it lead me to love? Will it lead me to having my family together again? I have no answer for those questions, only time will reveal the answers. Time will reveal your answers too.
Now, lets flash forward to umm 5th grade? I was being bullied by two girls from the 8th grade. They were mean to me every chance they had. Because I moved around a lot as a child, I so desperately wanted to make friends. I tried to befriend these girls just to have some friends. I didn't give a rats ass that they were mean. One day these two girls sexually attacked me. They humiliated me by making me take all my clothes off and forcing me to do act out sexually. Not many people know this. Did I tell anyone, NO. I too scared and too meek. I attribute this to a lack of friends and confidants.
Flash forward again to 9th grade. In high school I didn't fit in anywhere. I tried so hard to make friends. I consider myself kind, giving, lovable, compassionate, friendly, forgiving, and I would give the shirt off my back to people if I had friends. I was in the outsiders group. Just a handful of about 10 kids that didn't fit in. I wasn't wealthy, I wasn't a jock, and I wasn't a prep. I was considered dark and dreary, the satanist, the girl everyone had to avoid. No one wanted to even speak to me. Sure, I had several acquaintances but that was the extent of it. Those acquaintances probably spoke to me because they felt like it would be rude not to and wasn't the "Christian" way to be. I was mostly shy and sat at the back of the room because people were scared of me, thought I was something I was not, or just didn't care. I was labeled a Satanist yet I went to church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I went to a church where a few of these people who picked on me and labeled me a Satanist went to! I could never understand why. I made only five best, close friends during my entire four year stint at Wildwood High School. Suzanne, Becky, Jennifer, Tina, and Greta. Jennifer speaks to me occasionally. Greta moved up in the world, got a great job, married, and then thought she was too good for me to be her friend anymore.
High school was some of the worst childhood years I could endure, the bullying was only one problem, the domestic violence was another. That will be a different blog down the road. After high school I still found it extremely difficult to make or keep friends. Through my mid 20's and into my mid 30's I had a long term, co-dependent relationship that was extremely rocky and violent at times. Through this time I didn't make new friends. I felt like I had to stay alone and just be with my family. I made a couple good friends when I lived at Little Turtle in Leesburg- I call her Miss Ellie still (LOL) and Nickole.
After I finally ended the relationship, on and off for almost 15 years, I started to become more outgoing and started living me life again. I was beginning to realize mental illness was real and something was wrong with my brain. I went to clubs and had fun. I began to binge drink every 4-5 months because I thought it was normal fun. I made a few friends along the way but they are just acquaintances now.
At the age of about 34 I got heavily into tattoos and piercings! I continue this seemingly pain fetish to this day. Always pushing the envelope to see how much pain I can truly handle. I currently have 51 tattoos. I have had an 8 1/2 hour, 7 hour, a few 5 1/2 hour sessions, and several 3 hour sessions. 8 1/2 hours is as far as I can go for my pain threshold. I have had several piercings over the last 8 years. Some I took out on my own, some came out on their own, and some I had to take out. I have had my hood, nipples, labret, snake bites, and eyebrow in the past, I no longer have those. I now have an industrial barbell, tongue, septum, monroe, bottom lip, belly button, and four dermal implants in my chest. Always trying to catch that pain high.
What does the last paragraph have anything to do with bullying you ask? The truth is, at now matter what age or what we look like we are all being bullied in some way, shape or form. I get dirty looks, people talking about me behind my back, and rude remarks. I usually tell people they are allowed to have their opinions but they do not have the right to be rude to me in public or to my face that they should have some respect. I sometimes feel rejected in society but I do not care. I love who I am and how I look. I am a confident and sexy woman.
I still find it hard to make friends even though in a couple short months I will be 40 years old. I still have my extremely short circle of friends, minus the best friends I have made through Facebook through my Sistas and some friends around the country and around the world. The truth is, I can never hang out with those FB friends. My two best friends Ken and Julie always find some way to include me in fun activities that they do. I would enjoy making some other friends but it seems that people are just too scared to get to know me, that I might actually turn out to be an amazing best friend or lover. I have been in and out of relationships forever. Because I have an avoidant attachment style, I find it hard to keep friends and keep relationships. That is from years of bullying, a lack of true friends, and moving around as a child.
The point here is to just keep moving on. You can still live and be happy, or at least fool everyone around you like I have mastered. You can move on from the bullying. Find a buddy that you can confide in, that one true friend that you have. If you don't have that one true friend there is always the internet. By blogging I can get my feelings out and find others who feel or look like me. People that can keep me going and put a smile on my face. I was always scared to speak up for myself out of fear or just plain not caring and letting people walk all over me. I am just going to keep moving on and see which crooked fork path in the road I follow will lead me. Will it lead me to happiness? Will it lead me to love? Will it lead me to having my family together again? I have no answer for those questions, only time will reveal the answers. Time will reveal your answers too.
Living with Manic-Depressive Bipolar Disorder
Manic-Depressive Bipolar Disorder is one of the hardest mental disorders to get under control and keep under control. Only recently I've decided to write about my struggles with my mental illness.
This Bipolar Disorder, let's just call it BP, wrecks my moods and the ability to get thru life life as a normal person. With my BP being in severe mode right now my brain is rapidly cycling between moods.
I run thru a long period of mania, sometimes up to 2 weeks. This period of a higher than normal happiness often causes me to binge drink and spend money i shouldnt be.
Then i go thru a long period of depression that causes me to not care if I wake up the next day. I'm not suicidal, just don't care. People tell me to keep my chin up and be happy, it doesn't work that way. My good friends try to help but most times I get thru it alone.
After the cycling of mania and depression I'll go thru periods of normalcy where I'm on an even keel. This period of normalcy can last a week to a few months.
Right now because of losing my apartment, becoming a vagabond, losing my kitties, being separated from my kids, and my daughter's weird health problems I'm going thru rapid cycling of mania & depression. There is no normalcy. I don't know if I will ever feel my normal again.
I see a therapist every two weeks and a good psychiatrist every month. Each month I'm getting my Lamictal increased. I'm now taking 300 mg a day. I also take 30mg Restoril & Trazodone for insomnia, and 1 mg Ativan 2x a day for anxiety from PTSD.
So yes, I'm also dealing with stress from PTSD from 27 years of domestic violence. Violence that I can remember back to the age of 4, 35 years ago.
I live an extremely difficult life that np one seems to understand. Maybe my story will shed some light on the emotions I live through and the frustrations of living with mental illness.
This Bipolar Disorder, let's just call it BP, wrecks my moods and the ability to get thru life life as a normal person. With my BP being in severe mode right now my brain is rapidly cycling between moods.
I run thru a long period of mania, sometimes up to 2 weeks. This period of a higher than normal happiness often causes me to binge drink and spend money i shouldnt be.
Then i go thru a long period of depression that causes me to not care if I wake up the next day. I'm not suicidal, just don't care. People tell me to keep my chin up and be happy, it doesn't work that way. My good friends try to help but most times I get thru it alone.
After the cycling of mania and depression I'll go thru periods of normalcy where I'm on an even keel. This period of normalcy can last a week to a few months.
Right now because of losing my apartment, becoming a vagabond, losing my kitties, being separated from my kids, and my daughter's weird health problems I'm going thru rapid cycling of mania & depression. There is no normalcy. I don't know if I will ever feel my normal again.
I see a therapist every two weeks and a good psychiatrist every month. Each month I'm getting my Lamictal increased. I'm now taking 300 mg a day. I also take 30mg Restoril & Trazodone for insomnia, and 1 mg Ativan 2x a day for anxiety from PTSD.
So yes, I'm also dealing with stress from PTSD from 27 years of domestic violence. Violence that I can remember back to the age of 4, 35 years ago.
I live an extremely difficult life that np one seems to understand. Maybe my story will shed some light on the emotions I live through and the frustrations of living with mental illness.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Unloved & Rejected....
Some people wonder why I always seem happy, too happy. Its because I've mastered the ability to turn off my emotions. Its a curse not a blessing. The only love I have left in my heart is the most center piece for my children, Shawn & Jess, & Julie and her family. This is the group of my people I hold closest to my heart.
There is no other room for love, only emptiness. I've always felt unloved and rejected my entire life. I don't even know what normal relationships are supposed to be? How can I have meaningful relationships if I can't feel love any more?
This week I discovered something from my past when I was 7 years old. This has caused me to question my entire life existence. I now feel as though I belong nowhere. My mother didn't want me when I was 7. She showed little or no affection towards me. Very little food and my grandfather & uncle would sneak me snacks & milk. My mom was a disturbing alcoholic who cared for no one but her selfish needs & her next drink. She was seen several times beating me, including a time when I was repeatedly struck in the head.
My mother told me I had no father, better yet she yelled at me that I have no father. She only referred to him as Russ or Russell. My mother asked her father (my grandfather) & her grandmother. (My great-grandmother) if I could refer to them (they were Pa and Babi to me) if I could call them mom & dad. They agreed. My grandparents later adopted me and my last name was Korsun.
The breakup between James hit me like a ton bricks. Words can't describe the devistation I feel. I'm feeling unloved & rejected once again. We were a perfect family. I blindsided by him breaking up with me. Causing severe bouts of depression and then elevated moods of mania that are uncontrollable. I express a lot of feelings, not just for James, but other people in my life thru music.
Facing the impending doom of homelessness is overwhelming. All the stress is beginning to consume me. I randomly cry, I'm getting severe migraines and more & more symptoms of conversion disorder. Its affecting my pain levels and my abilities in my right hip & leg.
I'm looking for the time in my life where I no longer have to feel rejected and unloved. Some of my family & my 2 best friends (you know who u are) have been my "pride rock". They keep me afloat on this tiny raft. This tiny raft in the middle of treacherous seas where I want to let go; let go and drown. Drown & never have another worry in the world.
Dedicated to:
Taylor Kennedy
Shawn-Wyatt Kennedy
Elizabeth Brown
William McMillian
Shawn Kennedy
Jessica Nieves
Julie Brinker
Shawn Brinker
Ken Munroe
My FB Sistas
Nickole Pierre Bailey
Miss Ellie
Aunt Shirley
Matthew Korsun
I love all of you so very, very much! Always remember that til my dying day ♥
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Busy with Pain
Here lately I haven't blogged much. I've been busy with my ethics in psychology class. Instructor must not like the letter A. He's an asshole.
I've been really stressed out too. I had my disability hearing last week. It went very well and my legal assistant thinks I won my case. I have so many medical issues I'm coping with.
I found out recently that I have something wrong with the nerve that runs from my lower back down my right leg. Its not called sciatica. I also have calcifications in my pelvis.
So I have a great pain management doctor. He's giving me Tramadol but it doesn't help much. The pain in my right hip becomes excruciating and it affects my ability to walk :( . That sucks monkey balls. I wish I could be pain free for just one day.
Its so frustrating. Sometimes I cry because I know I'll never get better. Its very depressing. I sometimes talk to my aunt and my dad about how I'm feeling. I don't complain too much because I already feel like I'm becoming a burden to my family, especially my children. I need so much help with house cleaning and grocery shopping.
I hate to even think what I will be like 10 years from now when I will be almost 50. Will I be in a wheelchair? My pain management doctor wants to test me for MS. I have diabetic neuropathy but my neurological pain is behaving like MS. I am always tired and have moderate to severe fatigue.
Anyways. I just hope I can get better pain meds when I go to pain management this month.
♥
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Voting Day!!!
Sorry everyone but I'm releasing my Presidential choice. This is because I'm tired of people telling I should or shouldn't vote for my candidate. Everyone has their opinions and just sometimes people should keep them to themselves. We should be happy that we love in a great democratic country where we have voting rights!! I fell blessed to live in the United States! ❤
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