It seems that bullying is becoming a recent new trend. I say trend because bullying has gone on since I can remember being in the 3rd grade where this fellow 3rd grader, a boy called me one eyed Carol. He called me one eye'd Carol because I was cross eyed and had to wear a patch over my left eye to strengthen my right eye. Everyday walking home from school he would chase me home. Nobody helped me and nobody cared to stop this classmate of mine. One day running home from school my great-grandmother, Babi, seen what the boy was doing to me, she yelled at him and threatened to call the police. That was the end of him bullying me.
Now, lets flash forward to umm 5th grade? I was being bullied by two girls from the 8th grade. They were mean to me every chance they had. Because I moved around a lot as a child, I so desperately wanted to make friends. I tried to befriend these girls just to have some friends. I didn't give a rats ass that they were mean. One day these two girls sexually attacked me. They humiliated me by making me take all my clothes off and forcing me to do act out sexually. Not many people know this. Did I tell anyone, NO. I too scared and too meek. I attribute this to a lack of friends and confidants.
Flash forward again to 9th grade. In high school I didn't fit in anywhere. I tried so hard to make friends. I consider myself kind, giving, lovable, compassionate, friendly, forgiving, and I would give the shirt off my back to people if I had friends. I was in the outsiders group. Just a handful of about 10 kids that didn't fit in. I wasn't wealthy, I wasn't a jock, and I wasn't a prep. I was considered dark and dreary, the satanist, the girl everyone had to avoid. No one wanted to even speak to me. Sure, I had several acquaintances but that was the extent of it. Those acquaintances probably spoke to me because they felt like it would be rude not to and wasn't the "Christian" way to be. I was mostly shy and sat at the back of the room because people were scared of me, thought I was something I was not, or just didn't care. I was labeled a Satanist yet I went to church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I went to a church where a few of these people who picked on me and labeled me a Satanist went to! I could never understand why. I made only five best, close friends during my entire four year stint at Wildwood High School. Suzanne, Becky, Jennifer, Tina, and Greta. Jennifer speaks to me occasionally. Greta moved up in the world, got a great job, married, and then thought she was too good for me to be her friend anymore.
High school was some of the worst childhood years I could endure, the bullying was only one problem, the domestic violence was another. That will be a different blog down the road. After high school I still found it extremely difficult to make or keep friends. Through my mid 20's and into my mid 30's I had a long term, co-dependent relationship that was extremely rocky and violent at times. Through this time I didn't make new friends. I felt like I had to stay alone and just be with my family. I made a couple good friends when I lived at Little Turtle in Leesburg- I call her Miss Ellie still (LOL) and Nickole.
After I finally ended the relationship, on and off for almost 15 years, I started to become more outgoing and started living me life again. I was beginning to realize mental illness was real and something was wrong with my brain. I went to clubs and had fun. I began to binge drink every 4-5 months because I thought it was normal fun. I made a few friends along the way but they are just acquaintances now.
At the age of about 34 I got heavily into tattoos and piercings! I continue this seemingly pain fetish to this day. Always pushing the envelope to see how much pain I can truly handle. I currently have 51 tattoos. I have had an 8 1/2 hour, 7 hour, a few 5 1/2 hour sessions, and several 3 hour sessions. 8 1/2 hours is as far as I can go for my pain threshold. I have had several piercings over the last 8 years. Some I took out on my own, some came out on their own, and some I had to take out. I have had my hood, nipples, labret, snake bites, and eyebrow in the past, I no longer have those. I now have an industrial barbell, tongue, septum, monroe, bottom lip, belly button, and four dermal implants in my chest. Always trying to catch that pain high.
What does the last paragraph have anything to do with bullying you ask? The truth is, at now matter what age or what we look like we are all being bullied in some way, shape or form. I get dirty looks, people talking about me behind my back, and rude remarks. I usually tell people they are allowed to have their opinions but they do not have the right to be rude to me in public or to my face that they should have some respect. I sometimes feel rejected in society but I do not care. I love who I am and how I look. I am a confident and sexy woman.
I still find it hard to make friends even though in a couple short months I will be 40 years old. I still have my extremely short circle of friends, minus the best friends I have made through Facebook through my Sistas and some friends around the country and around the world. The truth is, I can never hang out with those FB friends. My two best friends Ken and Julie always find some way to include me in fun activities that they do. I would enjoy making some other friends but it seems that people are just too scared to get to know me, that I might actually turn out to be an amazing best friend or lover. I have been in and out of relationships forever. Because I have an avoidant attachment style, I find it hard to keep friends and keep relationships. That is from years of bullying, a lack of true friends, and moving around as a child.
The point here is to just keep moving on. You can still live and be happy, or at least fool everyone around you like I have mastered. You can move on from the bullying. Find a buddy that you can confide in, that one true friend that you have. If you don't have that one true friend there is always the internet. By blogging I can get my feelings out and find others who feel or look like me. People that can keep me going and put a smile on my face. I was always scared to speak up for myself out of fear or just plain not caring and letting people walk all over me. I am just going to keep moving on and see which crooked fork path in the road I follow will lead me. Will it lead me to happiness? Will it lead me to love? Will it lead me to having my family together again? I have no answer for those questions, only time will reveal the answers. Time will reveal your answers too.
