Nothingness-work in progress.

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Nothingness 🎶

There is no faith, no love, no dreams. 

Fate and destiny take ahold of me. 

There is no God, no hope, no forgiveness. 

Life and death take ahold of me & make me breathless.

The past cannot be changed, cannot be forgotten, can not be edited. 

The past cannot be erased, the past can only be accepted.

Pain lives behind these brown eyes, there's something lost. 

The pain behind these brown eyes has no soul. 

Sucking me deep into an abyss. 

There's no returning from black of darkness. 

Busy with Pain

Here lately I haven't blogged much. I've been busy with my ethics in psychology class. Instructor must not like the letter A. He's an asshole.

I've been really stressed out too. I had my disability hearing last week. It went very well and my legal assistant thinks I won my case. I have so many medical issues I'm coping with.

I found out recently that I have something wrong with the nerve that runs from my lower back down my right leg. Its not called sciatica. I also have calcifications in my pelvis.

So I have a great pain management doctor. He's giving me Tramadol but it doesn't help much. The pain in my right hip becomes excruciating and it affects my ability to walk :( . That sucks monkey balls. I wish I could be pain free for just one day.

Its so frustrating. Sometimes I cry because I know I'll never get better.  Its very depressing. I sometimes talk to my aunt and my dad about how I'm feeling. I don't complain too much because I already feel like I'm becoming a burden to my family, especially my children. I need so much help with house cleaning and grocery shopping.

I hate to even think what I will be like 10 years from now when I will be almost 50. Will I be in a wheelchair? My pain management doctor wants to test me for MS. I have diabetic neuropathy but my neurological pain is behaving like MS. I am always tired and have moderate to severe fatigue.

Anyways. I just hope I can get better pain meds when I go to pain management this month.

♥